Jugdey Wudgey Was A Bear...

Before I continue this post - a little disclaimer notice!

I am not writing any of the below claiming that one way of life - single, married, kids, no kids, whatever - is any better or worse than the other.  I am writing all of the below recognizing that they are different and that is OK!

To continue from yesterday's events - I definitely got the sense that some of my friends felt I was judging their lifestyle, and I felt judged for mine in return.  I've had many discussions about this topic - whether it is "better" or "easier" to be single or married.  There is of course no right or wrong answer - it's always a good topic for debate though, and everyone seems to think the grass is greener on the other side.

I once had a friend make a comment to me that I needed to "get it together" (well former friend - see previous post regarding the hard partying girls), when we were sitting at the pub discussing the merits of her single vs. non-single friends.  Many of the friends she had known from her small town were married with children - those she had met in university and since finishing university were for the most part single at the time.  The married friends frequently demanded her respect and complained to her that she "just didn't understand their lives and how tough they were," and that the married girls thought her single life was a breeze.  My argument in return was - if you expect someone to show respect towards your way of life, then show them the same common courtesy in return.  This somehow warranted the "get it together" comment - to this day I am not sure exactly what I need to "get together," but I am open to constructive feedback!  Am I expected to fawn over someone because they chose to get married and have children?  Single or married - you made your bed, now you can lie in it.

My whole point in saying this was that I don't think it's easy to be a young mother or be a stay-at-home mom, or raise children at any age for that matter.  My mom stayed at home to raise me and my younger brother and sister, and we are very fortunate to have been raised this way.  However, that is not the type of lifestyle I want for myself - but I also don't judge anyone that does want that life.  I expect to be treated the same way in return - you may not want to be the "career girl," but please don't look down your nose at me because I'm single, or make the comment that there "must be something wrong with me" if I'm not married with children by this age.  The things I've decided to focus on have been different than most of the people I know - that's not to say anyone is right or wrong - we've just chosen different paths in life, and that is OK!

I think it would be hard to be a young mom - I have definitely seen some of my friends lose their identity to some extent, and become totally wrapped up in kids and family.  That's maybe one of the reasons I'm not yet ready for that.  My mom had me at 27 - I know what I was like at 27 - I was still a complete gong show, and definitely didn't want to stop the party for kids!  I have one friend in high school that got married and had kids quite young - twin boys to be exact.  Everything she writes on Facebook is about her boys - I can't remember the last time I read something she wrote about herself.  I would be surprised if she gets the time to do anything to treat herself.  I am also very close friends with one of my cousins.  She too is married and has two young boys - I can't remember the last time we did something just the two of us, or when she's ever told me about her doing something on her own - maybe take a trip to Calgary to come shop and hang out with me for a weekend, or even just go to the spa alone for a massage or pedicure!  I know it's tough to take care of yourself when you're looking after everyone else - but something I hope to learn from after observing my friends, and that I'll strive for if and when I decide to have children.

I am not going to lie - most days it's nice to know that I can sleep in on the weekends, do basically what I like with my free time, and can regularly treat myself with trips to the salon.  But is being single "easier" that not being single?  I don't think so - I don't think one route is any easier than the other, there are pros and cons to each.  Spending 6 years in school to complete Bachelors and Masters degrees, and a CA designation certainly wasn't easy.  Moving around the world by myself - along with a 70 lb Labrador - wasn't easy.  Working 60 hours a week isn't always easy.  Running a multi-million dollar book of business isn't easy.  And managing a house by yourself isn't easy either.  If something breaks, guess who gets to fix it?  Me!  Or find someone competent to do it!  But at the end of the day - I am passionate about what I do, because I get to help people find work and develop their skills and careers, I get to meet all sorts of fabulous people, and I get to help my clients solve their business problems.  Is all of that hard work, long hours and effort worthless if you don't go home to a husband and children?

Anyways, this is mostly just a debate I have back and forth with myself.  Again, I am not saying any one path is better than the other.  There are two sides to the coin, and both deserve an equal amount of respect.  And that's my 2 cents!

To be single or not to be single? That is the question.

Alright, my first "official" post!

One of the reasons I wanted to start a blog was to have a place to share my observations on the world around me. There are a lot of things I enjoy about being single, but I will be honest in saying I have been struggling with a few things lately - primarily feeling like I'm one of few single girls left in my network, and feeling like it's a challenge to find common ground with my formerly single friends.

A lot of this got generate by Facebook.  I trimmed my friends list down after moving back from Australia 2.5 years ago.  I had over 600 contacts on there, and was finding I was losing track of those most important to me after wading through all of the clutter of Farmville posts.  So around 250 remained and here we are today.

Now over the summer, nearly every day there is are numerous posts exclaiming: "We're expecting!" "We're engaged!" "Our showhome is ready!" "Countdown to my wedding" "Happy Anniversary!"  "Baby pics!"  So now again I'm left feeling like - that's great - but what happened to all of my fun friends I used to party with?!?  Not that I am a wild and crazy party girl, but I do like heading out for a night at the pub or to a concert.  The days of being out at the club grinding up on a random guy are out of my system!  But it would be nice to feel like I had more girlfriends to go out with to a lounge or for dinner, without having to hear about their kids, husbands, and how exhausted they are and need to be home by 10:00.  I'm at the point where I'm struggling to find common ground with these friends - both female and male - and I'm caught "in between."

To give you some more background, I've lived in Calgary off and on for almost 10 years.  After I got my CA, I was feeling like life in Calgary was getting a little stale.  I had a great job, a great group of friends, and we were having a blast.  However, people were starting to couple up, and I wasn't quite at that point.  In the entire time I have lived in Calgary, I have never had a "boyfriend" and the longest I've dated someone is about 2 months.  There was always someone in the picture, but never anyone I'd take home to meet Mom and Dad.  I was having a lot of fun, kissing some frogs along the way, and that was fine by me.  However, I was ready for a change of scenery and some adventure, so I packed my bags and headed to Sydney, Australia on a transfer with my firm.

Pretty soon after arriving in Australia, I met an Aussie guy through a former classmate.  We ended up moving in together very fast, and dated for 2.5 years.  When the relationship went sour, and I learned of some health issues requiring surgery, I made the decision to return back to Calgary.  We did our best to stay together, with the intention that he would move to Calgary as well.  However, the control and jealousy issues, along with verbal and emotional abuse, from him continued to escalate, and I ended the relationship.  That is nearly 2 years ago, and I've been single ever since.

I recognize that I am not ready to date.  The abusive relationship I ended has left a mark on me that is not quite healed.  I have tried going on dates and have dated a couple of guys since, but I get spooked very easily.  The first sign of control or a guy making any sort of demand of me and my time - I bolt.  I was treated poorly in my last relationship - so I don't want to mislead anyone else into thinking I'm ready for a relationship when I'm clearly not.

On the social side - the feeling "in between" comes from a couple of sources.  Before moving overseas, I had a great group of friends in Calgary, predominantly co-workers.  Everyone got along great and we had a blast together, but there were two different sides to my groups of girlfriends.  There were the girls that could out-drink the boys, and then there were the girls that wanted to get a veggie and dip tray and watch "Grey's Anatomy" together every week.  I was sort of in-between, so I drifted between both and just wanted to get along with everyone.

What I noticed while I was away was that the party girls' partying escalated - to the point where it wasn't just on Friday after a hard week at work - and the serious girls got more serious.  They settled down, got married, started having kids.  So again, I'm caught in between.  I made the choice to cut down the crazy drinking (I was not an alcoholic by any means - but due to my surgery, I made some important changes to my lifestyle - food, drink and exercise being the most important), so wasn't in a position to go out and party 3 or 4 nights a week with them.  And I didn't really feel like going to dinner parties with a bunch of couples either.  So what's a girl to do other than trying to make new friends that I have more in common with.

So that brings us to this week.  I'm having a bit of PMS, and am tired of the wedding/baby/engagement posts, pictures, etc. on Facebook (Honestly, why do I even have a profile on there?!?  Why does anyone with the amount of drama it causes?!?), and I (stupidly?) put up a status update saying: I wonder why there's not a Facebook group called "I don't care about your wedding/engagement/baby."

The post mainly got some laughs - from both coupled-up and non-coupled-up friends.  But I clearly ruffled some feathers.  One friend sent me a private message saying "I'm sorry if the posts about my daughter offended you, but seeing as my family does not live in Calgary, they'd like to know how she's doing."  Another friend wrote a not-so-private comment on my post: "Yeah, there is a group like that.  It's called the 'I don't care about your dog/car/shoes' group.  Go check it out."

The first friend received a reply saying, I apologize if you were offended.  Please don't feel that I was pointing the finger at you or anyone else in particular - that was not my intention.  My intention was to make a generalized comment about the topics of the posts on my feed.  From my perspective, it sometimes feels like it's being rubbed in my face, and that I'm the last single girl on Earth.  She laughed it off and everything is all good.

The second post absolutely infuriated me!  How dare she judge me like that?!?  I work damn hard at my business - if I want to spend an entire pay cheque on shoes, that's my prerogative.  One of the benefits of being single: You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself!  After I broke up with the last guy I was dating, I took a little shopping therapy trip down to Phoenix for a week.  Why?  Because I can!  I sent her a note saying that was a really bitchy thing to write, and got a response back saying "it wasn't a personal attack."  Well it sure felt like it was my reply!  I said the same thing to her I said to Friend #1 - she is welcome to lead her life however she wants, but please don't make me feel like I'm an inferior woman because I'm not married with children.

I called up a friend afterwards - she is thankfully one of my few remaining single friends.  We have been friends since high school, and she is making the move soon from Regina to Calgary.  I think we are both very excited to be closer together and feel like we have someone else with some commonality in our lives  We had a good chat, and reassured ourselves that we would have a "Single Girls" shower very soon. (a la Sex and the City - you remember the episode when Carrie loses the Manolos at Tatum O'Neal's baby shower, and makes her replace them - fabulous tribute for single girls have to stand up for themselves everywhere!)

So, like Carrie Bradshaw, I'm left with many questions, and can't help but wonder:  Is it better to be single or not to be single?

To be continued...